I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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