Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just found puke in my bra..
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
