Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
