dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.