Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
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Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
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I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf