I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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