I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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