New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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