I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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