Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
