turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
