I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.