hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
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the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
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I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath