my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement