where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
