dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
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Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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