she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
