I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so explain again why im purple
no
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
