no, he came in my armpit
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
