I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
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THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.