you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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