Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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