Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You need Xanax blowdarts
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.