the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
