he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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