He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
