Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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