While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
