you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
