it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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