i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?