I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going