My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.