i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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