here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
