I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
he wants to bone in the snuggie
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
