I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
