When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
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I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
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Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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