spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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