I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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