Moan for me like Helen Keller
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
