If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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