mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
