Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
