I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
