I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
