New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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