She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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