she smelled like a LAN party
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You took a bar mat shot.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
