Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Even my vagina gasped.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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