I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!