Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
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Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.