The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
