soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
