My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
