So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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